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Abusive anger often flows from a determination to
have one's own way. We see this quite often in marriages, where a
self-centered spouse is fixated on how they've "not been heard,
understood, or properly treated."
Often, they harangue their spouse, trying to get
their point across and establish their case. They debate their claim,
not only with verbal effort, but also with emotional pressure, and
sometimes even physical force.
They believe that getting their point across will
make things right--that once they are heard, things will work the way
But Scripture says:
This you know, my
brethren. But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to
anger; for the anger of man does not achieve [work out] the
righteousness of God (James 1:19-20 NASV).
In other words, man's anger does not make things
right. It is not the source from which righteousness results. Rather,
anger dumps pain, confusion, and destruction into one's relationships
The best remedy for the angry, abusive spouse is to
stop pressing his case and to start listening. For that is the posture
of humility that God can target for maximum grace. Such a change of
posture frees the person to hear not only God, but also the people
around them who have born the brunt of their anger.
Admittedly, making such a change may be difficult,
but it is God's counsel and way. Sometimes, it takes outside help for
the angry spouse to see what they are doing and to repent.
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